Love and hope?


     All I have ever wanted, my entire life, thinking back to even my childhood, was to find true love.  That was all.  That was it.  I didn’t aspire to any great occupation or career.  I never earned much of a living, choosing instead to do myriad odd things and ironically enough, kind of end up the equivalent to an old surfer dude.  I am an old horsey-girl and there were times I slept at the barn and not the beach. A surfer dude will have stories of hitchhiking his way to Mexico just to catch some waves and chill in the sun.  An old horsey-girl makes friends with horse people in countries she wants to see, and fundraises for her airfare, just to ride the native ponies through the highlands of Scotland.  The surfer dude spends a large portion of his life stoned.  So does this horsey-girl. 

            It was recently that I discovered I was ashamed of the fact that all I ever longed for was love.  As if that were something others would be critical of and perhaps find me too needy… or too crazy? Or too stalkerish…. Or do I dare say, ‘The one that boils the bunny??’ Why do people not trust the ones looking for love? I am not crazy or stalkerish, okay, maybe just a tad on the latter … but I never leave my house and sit behind bushes with binocs in hand… so no worries really… social media was created by stalkers and for stalkers after all… it keeps us safe! No? At the very least it keeps out intended victims safe… oh come on… you know I’m right!!!

            So, here I sit, just a few months away from my 46th birthday.  I look in the mirror and see that I have aged well, slowly actually, and I really don’t look my age. I am quite attractive, although that never seems to matter, or draw in the people I wish for in my life.  I am childless and back in fighting shape. I spent the last two years dealing with myriad issues that basically all came back to my feeling that I was born with a broken heart.  Everything I invested in throughout my years was only so that I could kill time and be ready for when love found me.  Yeah, even my decision to not have kids was my way of making sure I was ready when the ‘real thing’, came along.  I made the no kids choice when I was 24, even then I knew exactly the path I was going to take, I felt set on it and I was waiting, kids would have been way too large of a distraction and hindrance.  So, maybe I was being selfish? I really did consciously think that this lifetime was all about me.  I didn’t want to give to a child and be responsible for bringing another soul into this world and raise it to adapt to this life.

            In general I find life unfair and selfish, if you can put attributes to something as elusive as living.  Along the way I loved and tried to cultivate love where I could find it, and I did find a lot of different forms of love.  I feel as if I have experienced all the ways a soul can love except one.  True love, soul mated; soul destroying, time stands still and the world goes black kind of love.  That never found me.  I married too, and I do love him, although even he will admit that what we have was never true love.  Of course, he isn’t like me, and finding that elusive relationship was not even in his top 10. 

            Yeah, I settled.  So what? We all settle at some point, for someone or something that isn’t quite right.  Life is nothing but one huge concession after another; Choices, direction changes and compromises.  Rarely is life satisfying and complete, and now, at this point, I tend to not trust it when it feels that way.  I grow suspicious and apprehensive, I look around and dart my eyes from side to side in anticipation of, ‘what’s gonna happen next?’  What will appear and steal my momentary bliss? In realizing this about myself, I wonder if I will miss finding or being found by love simply because I won’t trust it? Life in general is so much easier when you are young and full of hope.  Hope makes all the crap that life deals you easier to stand, easier to swallow. 

            So, with quite a bit of chagrin I realize I have lost most of my hope. Sure, there is a tiny part of me that still wishes for love to find me.  I can only imagine being with someone that really likes me, that loves me, that wants me and desires me.  Ahhhh, I can only shake my head because I really have no idea how that would feel.  I have heard that there is someone for everyone.  Well, it isn’t like I have spent my life hidden; I have tried on a few someone’s in my time.  No-one seems to fit.  Either I am an aberration, and there is no-one that is my other half, or I am invisible like I mostly suspect.  I dream of dying, just so I can leave this existence and re-boot into whatever the next may be.  And, it isn’t that I don’t like my life.  I really do actually, at this point I like where I am.  I struggled to get here, but I am here and it is all just okey dokey! But okey dokey isn’t enough.  Yeah, so maybe I am that black hole of emotional need that I am so critical of in others? I cringe and wonder if maybe?

            I want more.  I crave something more.  More.  What a crappy word and feeling.  What it means to me is that what I have is not enough and never has been.  That leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth because I have had a pretty easy, and quite good life.  At least if you compare to others, and if you grade on the curve, my life is awesome! I have not one little thing to complain about. What I have is pretty close to the best earth has to offer.  So, does that mean my discontent translates to ungrateful? Oh geeze, I sure hope not.  I really don’t want to be given something to cry about. Other humans will tell you over and over to be happy for what you have, look at the half full, and you all know the other sayings.  We are programmed to never face our lack or hope for more.  God forbid we desire love above all else.  It is such an intangible as to be misunderstood, time and time again. 

            I am insulated from the world around me and I feel guarded, jaded, used up and mostly tired. And, because of this, I wonder how in the world I will ever be found?  I shrug, because of the above mentioned cynical attitude towards life in general; most of me doesn’t care anymore.  Most of me thinks that finding love, or being found by love, will be too much work, too much responsibility, too much expected of me in return.  And yet, every once in awhile the need and desire hits me upside my head and knocks me for a giant loop.  With more chagrin, I realize I still really hope for love in my life.  Sometimes I literally ache for someone to hold me and need me.  For me to need someone in that way would be something I have never felt, and I have recently prayed for help with this.  I finally decided that at some point within this life, I really want to fall in love.  I want to fall hard and fast and I want it to hurt to my core for fear of losing it.  Bring it!                 



About Payne Hawthorne AdventuresinPayne

My strange life, my journey and life lessons. This blog feed is all non-fiction, real life, me, myself and I. This is where you will find the person I am aside from all my fictional books, stories and characters. This is Payne!
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