I bloged none-stop about two years ago… and it was all whiny and miserable.  Finally i am much healthier and coming from a place of gratitude.  Now days, my questions are different and i don’t want to die anymore….  Thought i might need to share some of the good stuff too… :]


            I am not dating any of these entries… simply because I am supposed to be entirely in each moment…. So this moment is NOW… as will be the next and the next…:]

     Who am I today? Gosh that is a difficult one to answer.  Mainly because I am changing so rapidly I am never quite sure who I am at any given moment…. Striving I suppose is a good adjective for who I am right now… I am striving to be someone new, someone better, someone that is evolving and not static.  Someone not happy with settling and being stuck in a situation that isn’t quite right.  Striving to be happy with what I have while still wishing for more?  That seems like a loaded sentence to me.  Seems in contradiction.   Seems as if it is indeed a question and not a statement.

            I do love —.  How could I not? He he’s taken care of me and supported me all these years. We live well together, we are great roommates and I find his company a comforting and consistent part of my existence.  It is going to be 17 years very soon.  Wow… that feels like such a long time to spend with someone I am not, nor have ever been, really IN love with. It makes me feel a little bit like a liar.  Why you ask? Well, not once did I think he was the one, or even close.  Not once was I his one…. Or even close.  We got stuck with each other, we both settled, we found comfort in convenience.  Life is so much easier with another one to share it with.  Not that I find life ever truly, easy.  But with Jon it is better; better than being alone and struggling on my own.  But not better than if I truly had someone I could love fully. Someone that wanted me and I could be intimate with.  I still shake my head and find it the biggest irony of all time. 

            Me, the woman that has a sex drive of a gay man, ends up sharing her life with a guy that has the sex drive of an ancient old woman.  He is the most frigid man I have ever known…and of course, I end up with him.  He hasn’t touched me in almost 8 years.  And he claims he is getting his freak on with Tracy, but I kinda laugh at him and figure there ain’t a freak to be getting on dude…. So, yeah, we decided to be in an ‘open’ relationship.  And yeah, I went out and had some fun.  Paul was fun, just not permanent, or what I would call love.  He was sex incarnate, so I got what I was wishing for.  Although, now, after 2 years of celibacy, I am fairly well insulated and shut down, once again.  My book and the men in it do tend to get me alittle turned on.  But on the whole, I am insulated, and do I dare admit… numb? Yeah, I guess that is the best word for it.  I feel like some dark place in me is still waiting for the breaker to be thrown and the illumination to take over… so far though? Not happening.

            I often wonder if I will go my entire life and not find that one elusive thing I have spent this entire life wishing for….  



About Payne Hawthorne AdventuresinPayne

My strange life, my journey and life lessons. This blog feed is all non-fiction, real life, me, myself and I. This is where you will find the person I am aside from all my fictional books, stories and characters. This is Payne!
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s