Trying to be responsive….

This journal post is in response to, two of my Facebook friends that were asking each of us to tell the others who we ‘really’ were… This is my answer.

     Well… I gotta say that you —-, and you —-, intrigue me to no end.  I know that your FB personas are your ‘imaginary second lives’…. But I don’t really think that matters.  These other people are obviously still you, or parts of you, or the you that you wish you could both be, and so I see everything that you post as truths!   And so, as part of me telling about myself, I want to first respond to your posts about you, and validate both of you for your courage, not only to look at yourselves to these depths, but also to be so self aware as to be able to put all of that into words.  I applaud you both, and I don’t applaud much, at least not in regards to humans and human nature.  I find myself drawn to both of you and keep wondering, “Who the fuck are these people?”  I have looked for more evolved humans for years and had pretty much given up on ever finding anyone else even near my path, let alone so close!  My FB page is not exactly me either.  I am Kelly; Payne is the heroine in my book.  However, in my search for connection to something, anything… I found my story.  I connected with my story and the characters in it.  They are all parts of me after all.  The title of my FB page and my book is Adventuresin Payne and I meant for the title to impart the possibility it wasn’t just about a woman named Payne.  Along the way I went from Payne being me, to me being her.  That might not make sense to some, but I think it will to both of you.

     I ask myself on a daily basis who I am…what am I looking for out of this life?  What are my expectations of myself, for myself?  I am old enough and broke down enough to no longer care about any other single humans’ opinion of me.  I don’t listen when others try and teach me how to be.  Those so frequently offered teachings are always through their individual filters, and none of what I hear ever relates to me and my own souls development. I never know if I am just way behind or way in front, or way off to the side, all I know is we ain’t speakin the same truths. I don’t hate anyone for wanting to help me.  I always listen with an open mind and heart, there is an off chance someone out there might speak a truth I need to hear. I mostly however, trust wholly and 100% that God, the one I call, Father, knows what is best for me, and one way or another, He will make sure I learn what I need to learn so that I may move on and evolve the way He wants me too; both within this life and for whatever is to come next.  Most other humans I find beyond mundane.  I don’t say that with malice in my heart, just a yawn in my throat. 

     When I was younger I hoped to find my one true soul mate, you know, the one that would eventually ‘complete’ me. The one that I felt I could give my entire self too. Now days that means I was wishing to be chained in some guy’s basement.  Shrug… times they have changed!  Even then I always thought it would be a man, but I wasn’t so narrow as to ever discount females too.  Or age for that matter.  I really thought I would find him, her, it? Shit, I just wanted to belong to someone!  HA!!! The folly of our youth and those dreams.  So now, I have lowered my expectations, repeatedly, down to simply looking for a connection.  Be it either a mental pause where we both agree?? (Those are awesome!)  You know… the shared truth thing… I so love when that happens, but they are also far and few between.  What about a heart connection? I sigh at the thought; those are even scarcer, because I fear they take time and some shared history; and time is an even more rare and elusive commodity these days.  Who would invest time in me? So, I have given up on anything lasting or committed or permanent.

Now I am searching for those few moments of connection with anyone. Something… anything…I am so starved for anyone that is self aware and can see me, hear me…. Anyone out there?

     I feel I have the capacity to love in a huge way, however, I no longer feel very attention hungry; I have learned that getting attention usually comes at a pretty steep price, at least with most other humans.  Instead, I am trying my darndest to be the one that gives attention… like I said, even for a few minutes. I am trying to notice the people and world around me.  I am trying to validate and encourage and appreciate anything I do notice in others.  I am a great ‘fan’ of talent of any kind and I can always recognize when someone has strived and endured to learn a skill to a high level; and I always verbalize and cheer that individual on to the best of my abilities. Physically speaking, part of who I am is wrapped up in how I look.  As undeveloped as that might seem, I really believe that beauty in any form can feed a soul, and so, I try to be as pleasing on the eyes as I can be, in as natural of a way as is possible.  I am unenhanced or altered in anyway, I am 100% real, inside and out.  But, overall I do think I am attractive, I am also tall, strong, aging well; I like to laugh and am often accused of doing it too much.  Really?? Can you laugh too much? I prescribe to the doctrine that humor makes pain go down easier. Easier than what? Shrug… I like to swear… it relaxes me and helps me with the need to make sure people hear me and remember me. My greatest fear would to be considered boring or uninteresting or mundane.  I don’t mind being memorable even as the woman that swears, just remember me.

     I am also a good cook, and even though I live in the land of vegetarians and vegans, I am a big time carnivore.  I like to smoke pot and get moderately high on a regular basis. I love sex, and even consider bad sex, fun.  Although, I am currently celibate, and have been for the past 2 years. Yeah, I find that very ironic as well.  Go figure.  I will be 46 in April and I have never had children.  Even when I was young I knew I needed to make this lifetime about myself.  I had this overriding knowing that if I had kids I would get stalled and distracted and not learn whatever it was I needed to learn from this particular life.  Not having had kids’ means I kind of never grew up,  at least not to the point of shaping or being responsible for another soul.  I think it made me more focused on myself, although I don’t feel at all selfish at this point in my life.

     My past identity was that of Horse trainer, colt starter/foundation specialist, and teacher, (of riding and training horses).   My current identity is that of aspiring author.  I am also working daily on my soul’s evolution.  This is surprisingly time consuming, arduous and emotional to say the least.  Now I understand monasteries and the need for alone, silent hours spent in reflection.

     My therapy is coming in the form of writing these novels.  When I started out, I had no idea this latent talent of mine would blossom so fully and as quickly as part of the new me.  I am getting to know other novelists and all of them are striving to find stories and write better books.  Me? I cringe to say I am a writer simply because I am not.  I have this story inside of me that NEEDS to come out of me… I don’t need to become a writer; I need to become a better storyteller.  I have never taken a writing class or even read anything about writing a novel.  And yet, I completed my first one in 6 months, and it is way too many words longer than I am now finding out most publishers want.  But I like long books? Really? Seriously?  My characters are vibrant and real and there is no way I could have brought them to life in half as many words.  I guess at this point I can be grateful for self publishing so I can present it the way I want to. Yeah sure, it won’t be perfect, probably full of errors I will have missed after multiple go throughs; but it will be something you can feel, and something you will be able to see inside your mind.  This book came out of me as its own entity that demands you leave the intellectual and dive down into your heart and your emotions.  So, yeah, this is my therapy, my monastery, my nunnery…I am alone 95% of my life.  I however am no longer wallowing, but rather taking it as the opportunity it is, the gift that it is.  Although, someday, I still have a tiny little spec in my heart that is hoping to meet a man I can love and will love me in return.  Anyway, this is me right now.  Sorry I am so wordy… might be something I need to work on? Snort….:]


About Payne Hawthorne AdventuresinPayne

My strange life, my journey and life lessons. This blog feed is all non-fiction, real life, me, myself and I. This is where you will find the person I am aside from all my fictional books, stories and characters. This is Payne!
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