All or Nothing?

     I’ve been thinking on this particular subject for awhile now.  If you’ve been following my blog then you will remember, (how could you not?), that my current quest is to feel love; to be able to receive and impart love, no matter the duration or situation; I am trying to make each moment, one filled with response and reciprocation; which to me is love in a minor form.  What about in a major form?

            As much as I’ve tried to not dwell in my past or think too much about any possible future, I must now go backwards so that I may learn from my history.  This new me is a much more accessible entity; I’ve re-entered society, and since I am naturally a very social soul, and also innately an extrovert, making new friends is a stress-free and easy accomplishment.  In fact, I have found I tend to draw in people that adore my personality, and end up getting rather addicted.  I know it is simply because I can be somewhat ‘shocking’ with my honesty and openness to all things emotional, and normally, most of us keep all that stuff hidden; not just from ourselves but also from the ones around us. I like to expose those hidden areas, I like to shine the light, and I like to get emotional reactions. I make people feel, and since most of us are craving just that, I become a bit of a ‘fix’ for those that have been aching to feel something.  I try for positive, not that I always get that; it’s inevitable that my particular form or extroversion will offend some.  Oh well, I shrug it away, I am fine with being offensive.  Hey, at least I’m memorable! Right?

             So, within some of my new friendships and relationships, I am forming new attachments.  This is where I must go back in my history and try and learn from where I went wrong before.  If wrong can be extrapolated from the bonds I’ve formed in my past.  I guess I get squirmy because I hate being responsible for any other souls happiness, sadness, longing or dependence.  So I shrug yet again, because what I am trying to do would naturally bring about that exact kind of dependence.  Dispensing love, or just being responsive, will invariable instill a kind of craving in anyone that is the recipient.  I myself love to be heard, and if anyone actually responds to what I’ve said, or they remember me or even any little details about me, I am instantly drawn to that person, and I will go back for more.  So, why does it make me uncomfortable when others respond to me in that way? That is my question of the moment. Why am I putting up my walls and raising my hands in protest when someone shows that they ‘like’ me and want more of me?

            It was because of this question that I started looking backwards and deeper into my heart.  What I came up with was the fact that I still don’t know how to show love very well.  I’m practicing, and I realized that in my past I tended to show it the way a man would, through the physical.  Once again I sigh and frown and declare there is something wrong with me; I think I’m a gay man, trapped within the body of a female.  I love men, I love muscles, I like that energy that men give off, and I like responding physically much better than I do emotionally or verbally.   Although, I am learning how to enjoy the verbal aspect of creating new relationships, as long as the other person is equally responsive as am I.  Most aren’t, so that helps with narrowing the field, and it conserves energy. I am very willing to move on and not give to the ones that can’t see anything past their own selves; I feel no compulsion to bring them out of their shells.  

            When I re-entered the world, I decided I would stay self contained, and only respond to those that first spoke to, and acknowledged me.  It didn’t take too long, I am always happy to smile at strangers, and once they confirm that they could indeed see me, it was easy to start new relationships.   Most are very superficial, once again that is fine, conserves energy; but some are more now, and are hinting at a lot more.  It’s this precipice that I now hover near.  The old Kelly would reward through the physical, (if it’s a man), and then invariably, my girl side kicks in and I get enamored.  Why can’t I be like a man when it comes to sex? I can’t, I’ve tried; I get physical and my heart falls; at least in the beginning it does.  So then I ask myself, (something I’ve wondered about my whole life), am I a ‘sex addict’? At the very least I will concur that I am an infatuation junkie!! 

            The problem? Well, I end up really, really liking someone, having sex, getting physical etc. Somehow that ‘really, really like,’ turns into saying we love each other.  We do, but it isn’t the kind of love that should be exclusive or monogamous.  Its great at first, isn’t it always? I know I’m not alone in this, not in the slightest!! But then, I become a serial monogamist.  I’ve made all my past lovers into long term relationships, and although I’ve always really, really liked them, I’ve not been in true, deep love with any of them.  Not so deeply that my eye didn’t always wander somewhat; and I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to want to be someone else’s exclusive love? To feel that way about another and want to call them MINE? Or, what would it feel like to be jealous of their indifference?  That hasn’t happened.  I’ve always shrugged it off at each ending, and moved on after a week or so of longing and sadness.  I’ve never pined for more than a couple weeks over the end of a relationship.  Through all of this, I’ve given away my youth; I’ve tied myself to these various people, and it’s meant I wasn’t available to meet my one and only.

            When I get physical with someone I like to give wholly of myself.  I don’t hold anything in reserve, and I not only appreciate them, I reciprocate with all of me.  For me, sex is the best form of energy exchange.  It’s the best high I can imagine, or have ever felt.  It doesn’t last, but it lasts longer than most drugs. Since I fully immerse myself in this exchange, it often gets translated as nothing short of true love.  At least in that exact moment, it does; ahhhh, here is where something changes, it’s this feeling that doesn’t last, at least for me, it doesn’t translate to true love later, after the high has worn off; maybe it’s just the chemicals my body shoots into my system? I think of it as body love; but it doesn’t go all the way into my heart; which makes me frown, backtrack and once again wonder if I am better off not going there at all?

            So that brings me back to my concern when others seem to become somewhat obsessed with me.  It has happened, over and over.  They want me, they want to own me, they want to be exclusive and all that crap.  I don’t know if it’s love on their part, or if it’s truly just some strange form of addiction.  Like, with a few meetings and a support group they might get over me in time?  Where am I going with this train of thought? Well, I am starting to wonder if perhaps I should stay celibate the rest of my life? Can I take a lover? Lovers? Do I wait and see if I get knocked over by the one true love of my life? I’ve been waiting, it’s not happening.  Do I keep waiting or do I jump right in and try for some ‘superficial’ relationships? How can I get intimate with one or more and not engender issues? Once again, I realize this is not a unique situation.  The confirmed playboy bachelors out there know what I’m talking about.  How do I enjoy a fairly intimate and recurring relationship and yet keep my options open to have that kind of thing with more than one? How do I juggle it and not harm or emotionally wound the ones I am juggling?

            I feel as if I might be at the all or nothing phase of my life.  Do I just stay celibate forever? It is so much easier to not be open to another; of course, easy isn’t really where I am coming from, and I’ve always gotten squirmy when life felt that way.  Easy is scary, it means something is about to happen… of course, I can’t really control any of it. Sigh.



About Payne Hawthorne AdventuresinPayne

My strange life, my journey and life lessons. This blog feed is all non-fiction, real life, me, myself and I. This is where you will find the person I am aside from all my fictional books, stories and characters. This is Payne!
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s