BDSM…its about Communication

BDSM; It’s about communication

      I’ve spent a little bit of time in the world of BDSM, that’s Bondage and Submission, to those of you that don’t know.  I bet that most of you looked just because of the title, some of you that know nothing about that world, and some of you that are already entrenched.  I am not living that lifestyle, nor do I intend to, not that I am against it in the slightest.  Most of you that are ‘normal,’ think that world is full of a bunch of freaks.  You would be right.  We are freaks, but to me that simply means we have no equal, and that is a very good thing! Granted the attire and costuming is a bit freakish, not that I don’t like me some leather once in awhile, but it’s not how I wish to live my life 100% of the time.  I actually don’t want to live any certain way 100% of the time.  What I crave and what I have found lacking and missing in my ‘normal’ existence, is the fabulous and deep communication I had when I was in the BDSM world.

            I generally get stereotypical responses from both men and women.  Most men waggle their eyebrows and their eyes glaze over as they take on a wistful expression.  Most women grimace in disgust and raise their hands in protest; all this from four little letters? Really? Granted, the title does imply something, it’s just not the correct something.  I wish there were a correct title for what that world encompasses beyond the leather, the whips, the gag balls and the automatic assumption that it is only about pain; either the infliction, or the receiving of.  It’s really NOT! And yes, I felt I needed both the capitol letters and the exclamation point in there, sorry to all those that get offended by enthusiasm of any kind. 

            Please don’t think I am a poster child for that world.  I am not. What I am trying to achieve in my life however, is kind of what they are also shooting for in that world.  Communication.  It’s the most intoxicating thing ever, and when you talk about personal needs, wants and desires? OMG, what a fucking turn on! Does anybody in our white toast world ever talk about what they want? What makes them feel? What makes them ache? Does anyone ever express their darkest desires to another? No! Of course not, there is too much chance of condemnation and judgment, and that most wicked of sins, shame.  Shame, in its many and varied forms is the great thief of life and love and passion. Shame is the grand larcenist of power and energy.  Shame is pious and self righteous and often so fucking loud it is all we can hear. Shame has nothing to do with others and everything to do with self.

            What I enjoyed about my time spent in the BDSM world was the freedom of expression, and actual encouragement to shed that armor plating and show your real self, your inner self, your hidden self.  Sure, sometimes that self is forced out through pain, but sometimes that is the only way we can do it, the only way we feel safe enough to express.  Pain is permission to fold, and give in and relent, and sometimes it’s simply the only way to find true release.  The recipients are grateful; the enforcers are caring and attentive.  The attention is exclusive and single minded.  It’s all about you after all.  You choose what is too much, or not enough, and if you don’t want to choose, there are ones that are willing to do that for you as well, but it’s still all about you.

            People are so afraid of pain.  What I find ironic is that the fear of pain, or of anything, is almost always much worse than the actual event, or incident or infliction.  Even more ironic is the fact that achieving feeling through pain is quite easy with these bodies.  They are after all, nothing but one huge nerve.  We all live with a modicum of pain all the time.  If someone crawled inside my body they would pass out from the kind of head pain I often wake up with on a daily basis.  I’ve grown so accustomed to it that I can function just fine, and I think most would consider that their heads might explode at any given moment.  I don’t talk about it or expect any kind of praise for enduring through my frequent headaches.  Why would I?  And yet, back when I enjoyed an occasional flogging, I was praised and petted and admired repeatedly for how well I could endure pain. 

            I also felt seen, heard and anything but invisible.  How often does that happen in life? Even from the ones that are supposed to be closest to us? Actually almost always, it’s the ones closest to us that have forgotten we exist. When you are on the table or the rack or what have you, the inflictor will ask, and actually listen to all the little details of your need.  Because of their encouragement, we become intimate through communication.  The nitty gritty becomes the intercourse.  We learn more about ourselves through the submission or domination, or both. The best at submission also understand what it means to dominate.

            It’s not about if you turn on the other person, or even if they like you, or want you; it has nothing to do with sex or attraction.  This was something I particularly liked because it meant I wasn’t doing something wrong, or looking a way that was a turn off to the other, both of which would mean the end to our fun, or worse yet, damage to a fragile self image. Been there and done that one too many times within so called, normal, relationships; we do after all, tend to make it only about ourselves with little or no regard for the other person.

            Back to the wistful look on most men’s faces, why in the world would they think they would immediately get to walk into that world and dominate anyone else? Why would they want too? Why is that what they think it is all about anyway? I often wonder what is wrong with men in general, and I have come to the conclusion that most haven’t ever learned how to communicate.  The best Dom’s are also the best Sub’s.  The best Dom’s have been taught correctly how to dominate and extract through pain; they’ve been taught how to inflict and how to listen.  I honestly don’t know a ‘normal’ male that is even half that aware in their everyday relationships.

            Women? Oh how I wish I could explain to them that it isn’t necessarily an ‘evil’ thing to get spanked once in awhile. What woman out there wouldn’t love to be able to divulge her deepest desires through a totally un-judgmental platform of acceptance? I mean really? Who among us other females doesn’t understand that true, unfiltered communication, really is the epitome of the best possible ‘intercourse’ available? And guess what ladies; it has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with self expression; even all you holier than though religious women out there; how dare you immediately judge someone for craving a world free from shame and condemnation? And how in all the heavens can you preach peace and acceptance and then condemn anyone searching for truth and honesty as being evil? I mean really? How can you integrate those two things within your own brains?

     Some of you will snap back with a silly statement like, “Well, all relationships should be built on trust and communication.” Really? Ya think? No duh!! That ain’t real life and I would guess anyone saying that, is either quite young, has never been in a truly satisfying relationship, or is just very, very shallow and has nothing to hide or divulge.  Sorry, that’s how I see it.  Real relationships just don’t happen, they are created and that takes a ton of work, and once again I have to say, COMMUNICATION! Even in the bedroom/living room/kitchen/back yard/movie theater… well, the list goes on!

            Finding these kinds of ‘others’ to share with is the tuff one.  Unfortunatly from my female perspective, and please note that I have pretty much been there, done that, men are the shallow ones, the one note individuals, the boring ones if I can be blunt.  They just don’t really have anything to share, you could try and beat it out of em, but honey, there ain’t nuthin going on.  But don’t get me wrong, women are so mired down in shame and rules that they tend to create drama where there is none.  They appear to have a lot going on, but the sad truth is they don’t really, nothing too deep going on under the superficially created tragedy of someone breaking some rule of theirs. I wish they did, but honestly, most women don’t have anything real to give either.  I am talking about adults at this point, not young fresh, twenty-somethings that still have hope of a future chock full of rich and lasting relationships.  There is nothing I can tell those still hopeful newbie’s; life will teach them, and they will get either trampled for being too open, or they will end up frigid and self contained for fear of the trampling.     

     So, what am I getting at with this whole thing? Well, I figured out what I am craving from someone else, and as much as I was thinking it was physical intimacy, it turns out its communication.  Okay, let me make that clearer … communication about physical intimacy… wants and needs … and… well…hopefully, someone that wants and needs in the same way I do.  Why can’t ‘normal’ relationships be more this way? Why is it so impossible to find others that are willing to articulate in this way? Why can’t we have that without the pain or the outfits or the lifestyle? Or rather, why can’t we ask for some of it without needing all of it?

            I shrug, cause I don’t have a clue.  All I know, that is what I am craving.  

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About Payne Hawthorne AdventuresinPayne

My strange life, my journey and life lessons. This blog feed is all non-fiction, real life, me, myself and I. This is where you will find the person I am aside from all my fictional books, stories and characters. This is Payne! https:www.paynehawthorne.com https://www.facebook.com/PayneHawthorneAuthor https://www.facebook.com/houesofpaynepublishing
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