What Now?

          Where to begin? I’ve been home for two weeks and today was my original travel home date.  Yeah, I came back early.  It’s not a bad thing; I was in Scotland for a month.  I saw a ton of the sights, had a wonderful time and made new friends.  It was enough, I was homesick. Spent the last two weeks at home, physically sick and then recovering from a bad lung thing; Bronchitis I guess the doctors said, but I’ve had this my entire life, I get sick, It goes into my lungs, I suffer for a couple weeks, I get better and in the end, I am stronger for it.  I can hold my breath for a really long time so I must have made my lungs stronger over the years, not weaker.

            Anyway, I was so depressed right after I got home, bummed out that my trip was over; my year of motivation was gone.  What now? My body was sick too though, don’t forget, so I just let my spirits sink down and hide along with my physical.  I wrote and I wrote, I think it was six different blogs, didn’t post any of them.  They were all way too negative.  Not that everything has to have a positive slant to it, which just isn’t real life.  But on the other hand, there is no need to suffer through someone else’s negative, half full or empty outlook either.  Mostly I hate inflicting myself on others when I am that way, so why would I ask you to read about it?

            Part of what I have been thinking about is the reality of life in general.  What I’ve come up with is that life is rather one note, or monochrome, or straight line.  In our books and movies we all crave a super villain we can hate, and a super hero we can love.  Real life just isn’t like that.  No-one is either all or the other, no-one is that developed either way.  We are all rather ambiguous, indefinite and quite confusing.  Not just to those around us, but to ourselves as well.  Some of my haters have critiqued my book, (I don’t think they actually read it however, and were only trying to hurt me), and have concluded that there is no great villain to hate, (in the book).  I shrug– why? Because I believe that in our real lives, our boring, mundane everyday lives, if we are fueled simply by hating someone or something, then we are only allowing ourselves to react from our basest natures.  We haven’t grown past our need for drama and conflict as a way of feeling something, feeling anything.  And in doing so, we are only perpetuating what is wrong with this world in general. So yeah, some of my haters said my book didn’t have enough conflict or negativity in it.  I smile, because I am writing about real life, about giving up hope and getting numb on the inside.  So, I guess they are getting it.  They of course crave something to hate, but I don’t, I crave—well, the opposite, something to love, and let me tell ya, that is a tuff one! Much more difficult than finding a villain to hate I might add. Try writing about numbness and keep anyone’s attention for long.  

           So yes, some of my trip to Scotland was negative, or rather, unpleasant.  It all turned out fine in the end, I’m not complaining, I got off quite easy.  I didn’t even have to work; I sat around a lot and I gained a stone! It was great! Wonderful wine, fun times, lots of laughs, crisps, chips, popcorn, biscuits, (sorry guys, you can call them biscuits, but they are COOKIES!), and cake! OMG!! The Cake and baked goods in Scotland will be the death of me.  I literally had to come home early for fear of gaining yet another stone! (A stone is fourteen pounds by the way.) I was accused of being lazy.  Is it a slight on my character when it is true, and something I wasn’t at all ashamed of? So what? I’m in my late forties, I’ve worked my entire life, I think I can be selectively energetic at this point in my existence.  And it just so happened that I was selecting otherwise at that moment, there on the comfy couch with the bowl of chips between us and the glass of wine in hand. 

            I joked that I went ‘viral’ in Scotland.  Most of the horse people on that island think I am a horrible individual.  They all read my blogs, and were all too happy to help slander me, but in the end, they got their villain to hate. It didn’t really matter that much to me because I came home, to my lovely existence in California.  I’ve sat around, healing from being sick, and tried to figure out what I learned from this trip, what I should change about myself, and mostly been wondering, ‘WHAT NOW?’  I’ve yet to come up with it.  I guess all I can say is I am still a work in progress.  I’ve decided to remove the pressure of the possible lesson in all this, and opt to continue on as before.  The lesson will come to me when I am ready to learn it.  My own soul’s evolution will continue on without any help, or interference from me.  I think I get in my own way more often than naught.

           I want to give a shout out to the wonderful gals that hosted me.  You both know who you are, and I want to first say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.  Secondly I want to say I am sorry for bringing any unwanted drama into your lives.  That was not my intent, and I guess I should have waited to write about it all till I got home.  Perhaps that is the biggest lesson in all this, bide my time before speaking? I ask it as a question because I am still not sure.  I don’t believe in wrong or right, and I don’t believe that happy comes from right and depression is a punishment for wrong.  There are only attempts, re-attempts, and a multitude of failures on the pathway to success.  In my world, success comes from the try and the heart, and the belief that I am doing the right thing.  Maybe not the right thing for any other singular soul, but the right thing for my soul and my evolution down this path. So, most definitely I offended a few people, which is nothing new for me.  I offend more often than I please.  You either love me or you hate me, rarely are people indifferent towards me. I like this though, I crave the opposite of indifference, and passion is the key to all in my world. So, you passionately hate me? Alrighty, at least you are feeling something.           

            I find the world quite boring, if I might be so bold as to say that.  I see the shock on all your faces and I hear the quotes being gurgled out.  People are people, the world over, most are boring, sorry, it’s true; mundane perhaps is a better word.  We can’t help it; I think I was pretty boring during this trip.  I lost a lot of my personality, I went introverted, and I became mundane.  Yawn, it happens, how in the world could anyone keep it up that long and not need to recharge, hide and reboot? People often say that life is too short.  I can only shake my head and think the opposite.  But that is me.  I more often associate with grumpy cat than I do all the rainbows and unicorn uber positive memes. I don’t believe that I am in charge of my destiny, or that I have any control over … well… honestly I don’t think I have control over ANYTHING.  Control is such an illusion anyway.  I proved that if I want something bad enough, I can make it happen.  I wanted this trip, I did it, I made it happen, it happened, and it’s over.  That still leaves me with the NOW WHAT?

           While I am processing that question, I am going to keep writing.  I’ve finished the first draft of my second novel, it’s a WIP, (Work in Progress), and the working title at the moment is DISCOVERY, Book 2 in the AdventuresinPayne series.  Or something like that.  I’ve had some good and some bad reviews on the first book.  The only bad reviews are on the UK site however, and from my haters that i offended, and I can’t really take them to heart because I know that they came from a place of reactive revenge towards me and my words while I was over there. Most of the negative comments were nit picking little things too… like grammar and spelling, and the not enough conflict thing… and I can only smile because if that is the best they can do, then I guess I’m doing okay.  The good reviews seem heartfelt and honest and the private comments I’ve had from friends are all encouraging.  I know I have a very long ways to go before I can become a better writer, and a published author.  But, I am working at it, I am doing, and I am trying, and don’t forget that try is success in my world.

            I didn’t want to leave you all hanging, not that I think many really care about me and what I am up too.  I’m really not that diluted, and whenever someone actually, ‘sees’ me or ‘hears’ me, well I am usually quite astonished.  So, at the moment I am going to go in and work on my first draft of my second novel.  It is pretty much complete, but like the great Hemingway said, “The first draft of anything is always, SHIT!”

            I will leave you with some of my current and most favorite quotes.  Don’t forget, I don’t believe in anything original, at this point we are all just repeating either ourselves or what we’ve heard before.  I don’t believe most of what I think either.  So here ya go:

Your Excuses are Liars. Your doubts are thieves. Robin Sharma

You should not trample your truth to please others. Irish proverb

You can’t continue if you don’t begin. Me and a few million others.

And a link to my first novel now available in digital format:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00C6NHUQG/  (its ficition/fantasy/romance/horses)




About Payne Hawthorne AdventuresinPayne

My strange life, my journey and life lessons. This blog feed is all non-fiction, real life, me, myself and I. This is where you will find the person I am aside from all my fictional books, stories and characters. This is Payne! https:www.paynehawthorne.com https://www.facebook.com/PayneHawthorneAuthor https://www.facebook.com/houesofpaynepublishing
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1 Response to What Now?

  1. Hi Kell, Fabulously stated, well written, clear, incredibly self knowing, and I firmly agree with all your findings… I loved every word, and every thought… Smart girl, moving on to “What’s next.”


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